So, as many of you know, I have been getting my nails done for about 5 years now. I am fully aware that the Vietnamese nail ladies talk shit. I mean, its kind of expected. At my spot in O-town, I was good friends with my nail lady. (yes..You may know her.... She has one too many thumbs) Anyways, she would tell me the things they say. She is too fat for that, she needs laser hair removal, etc etc. Its like our worst fear that they really do talk shit. So anyways, 2 weeks ago, I went to a new place. The guy convinced me I needed a new set (if you don't know, that means all new Acrylic... All you really need to know is its a lot of money. ) So I do it and a week into it my nail breaks. So I go back and tell them how disappointed I am that I spent a lot of money and it broke. The girl, and yes by girl I mean 19 yr old, doesn't even get off her damn cell phone and tells me in the rudest tone possible that they wont fix it free of charge. Mind you were talking about 2 bucks. That's all Im asking for. Im spending 23....and i spent 75 last time. I say ok, well Im really dissatisfied and I probably wont come back. I promise, I said it in the nicest, calmest tone ever. She stands up and starts yelling in Vietnamese and by her tone I know what ever she is saying is f-ed up. Every nail lady, even the ones doing pedicures look at me. So there is like 5 people in line or waiting. I look at her and Im like, whatever you just said about me was rude, everyone is looking at me. She was like who is everyone. Im thinking, I know this bitch is not even trying to deny this shit. I was like, everyone who works here just looked at me and that makes me uncomfortable so I will not be getting my nails done and I will never be back. Thanks for your time. I walked out. I stood up for women with nice nails everywhere against trash-talking Vietnamese nail ladies...

Gotta give a shout out to my girl "Dirty" for doing the same thing at Taipei Tokyo. She is Taiwanese and they were talking Chinese trash about her and she called it out. "I know what your saying about me and I don't appreciate it" And they were talking some serious shit too.

That's my girl "Dirty" She is like a little Chihuahua....tiny, fiesty and yappy. hahaha. Thanks for the motivation Dirty. you know your my girl

Have you ever had one of those days where lots of weird stuff happens to you? Not that weird, but definitely not normal parts of your usual routine. Today...I felt off-balanced all day. It all started with me getting to work early enough to get coffee and finding the barnes and nobles closed. I mean, I get it...bookestore, store hours yeah...Its obvious now, but it sucked at 7:30 am. I got my coffee, but not until 9 am. I was terrible for an hour. So I go inside and I remember new guy started today. New Guy is nice, I guess, but he is a total sales guy. He has a cheesy super salesy way about him, a handshake that hurts my hand, and he keeps winking at me like I'm supposed to get whatever joke he is telling. BETH!!!!!!!(reminder- I used the word Beth interchangeably with the word vomit, see Rachel's bio for more info) At my 9 am meeting, no one else from my team was on time except new guy, so I had to speak for the team. I had absolutely nothing to say. So I rush through my part and introduced new guy. Later in the day I find out the way Introduced him, implied her was my team's admin asst. He isnt. He is my partner, my sales partner. I felt like a jerk...but on the other hand, what bitch tells me I did that? in the bathroom? I was like. Oh, oops. My bad. WHATEVER WHATEVER.

I also may have contributed to the termination of someone's employment. I mean. It's not my fault, my bosses, bosses boss called me directly. What was I supposed to say right? I mean, I told the truth. If anything, I downplayed it!!! I found out later in the day he was fired. Fuck. Oh well, I didn't tell him to mention his slobbery alcoholic ex-wife in front our client, while flirting with the same client. Creepy. So I decide I'm going to Beccas to hang out, maybe have a little pizza. We go to Whole Foods. I see a dude from a previous job who calls me Sarah. I was like, "Rachel." He apologized and I made some off-beat joke about Jewish names and were all the same. Meanwhile, I'm all pizza-ed so I'm sure I'm talking gibberish. Positive actually. Then comes the line. Oh my god. 40 minutes fucking, forty minutes. I'm not even kidding. Why...How can it take 40 minutes to buy 21.58 worth of vegetables and olives. Becca had some lovers behind her, and by lovers I'm referring to the countless amounts of lovey-dovey-kiss-in-public-speak baby-talk- in-line-at-whole-foods-lovers, that are taking over DC this summer. Now I could write an entire blog about the loverly lovers that are all over this city, shit I could write one about the lovers at Becca's building alone, but that's an entry in it's own, plus, the best and weirdest part of the day is yet to come.

So Becca is literally telling me how male lover in line was cawing like a dove to his female lover. BETH, right? wo are these couple? Anyways, were talking about how they must be virginia or jersey or some cross-breed of the two, when an old lady in a black straw hat and a long ass gray french braid chimes in about VA and how its like from the 40s. (yeah we didnt get it either) Anyways, were thinking this sweet old lady wants to chat. we find she is from texas and visiting. She is sweet ans she talks like our friend "little super," who is from WV. Her answer, with the most serious voice is, "to impeach bush. No Im serious, to impeach bush." We giggle in the most uncomfortable way possible. She then proceeds to ask us 2 scary questions...first, how she can find some insdie way to the secret service, do we know anyone and do we know the Bush girls or where they hang out. UM. WHAT THE FUCK. who says that! I can't help but laugh. she can not be serious. So Becca and I, quickly (say 7 minutes in) end our conversation by wishing her luck and speeding up our walking...to which she yells, "Don't worry girls, I wont follow you!" UM WHAT. Who SAYS that. So we got away, made some dinner and called a night. a weird weird weird night. And that was the end of the night of weirdness. Alhough there was a weird bizzaro of our friend Otter on the bus. I got on and was like Hey, thinking it was our friend, and he looked confused. kind fo embarassing. Perfect end to a weird weird day.

I am having the same love-hate relationship with the pizza situation. Except mine is for a different reason. I have become dumb. I know, I know, true pizza fans will tell you it never happens to them, and actually makes them MORE productive. I'm here to tell you, although that would rock, its some bullshit.
Last night, was a good example of how slow and absent minded pizza makes me. I call this the "Dry-Cleaning Fiasco"So Like every other day pretty much, I came home, had a snack, and obviously, ate some pizza. If you know me, you know that right now I am staying at my parents house, (still on the red line) since they are out of town for 2 weeks. So after my snack and pizza session, I figured I have probably missed a lot of the traffic and go to get my dry cleaning. Sadly, my entire night was planned around making sure I got my dry cleaning. I mean, really, I already told you the office environment I work in. Remember? Hot, well dressed, yada yada yada. So I go on Wisconsin Ave, a road I have driven since I turned 16 and cut over on Bradley to Connecticut. WHY do I go down wisc, cut over on Bradley and I guess I got all turned around (because of the pizza) and ended up going down Connecticut in the direction I came from. The real kicker and where the pizza took its true course, was that I do I not even realize it until Kensington. FUCK. Fucking Kensignton people. Kendsington. So I turn around and go back and pull into zips at 8:02. 8-oh-fucking two. Yea Um..It CLOSED at 8. Some girl is walking out and I literally BEG her to get my stuff. I was like, "pleasepleasepleaseplease PLEEEASE," she was like, were closed. So I left, dry cleaning-less. However, I did stop and get milk duds. I' m not even gonna lie....like total the girl I am, I almost cried out of frustration...Then I decided it was ridiculous to cry over dry cleaning. I mean really. "Waaaaa. I cant get my drrryyyyyyy cleeeaaannninnng..wa wa waaaaah!" So ridiculous right? Even I can see that. How do I know it was the pizza?
Well a few months back, I was seeking employment and I took a "break" in preparation for a test possibility. Amazing and wonderful things happened. I was a genius. I could remember where I put things, I could not lose track of "the point of my story," I could even think of the exact word I wanted. Why go back? If your a pizza fan, you know why and if your not, you probably hate this blog. However, I will tell you...I ate pizza while writing it...The first time...Then I accidentally deleted it and had to re-type the entire thing. FUUUUCK. Point made.

PS- I have an un-natural hate for the The use of "Cheers" as a signature. Its stupid, right? I mean its ok for Brits. They don't sound stupid, but people...Really. I'm going to start writing "L'Chayim, Rachel" when I sign things. What do you think of that....

Also- Tomorrow, August 2nd is my 6mth anniversary of quitting smoking cigarettes. Be so proud of me. Thanks.

So its been a while, and the four people who know about this have been on our case, so here we go. To catch you up, there are a few topics that probably need addressing...Well first of all, the house. Morgan Spurlock, my roommate got into some "legal trouble" (read: arrested for assault) at our house party. This is probably because I made Rachel-jello shots, which are equal parts vodka and water. Its not my fault they were so delicious. mmm...jeeelllllooooo...sooo...goood.... Anyways. The same night, I puked like a high school kid drinking for the first time. Not fun to puke in this house, let me tell you. Ace is on his way to the Poker World Series and Frenchie is in Maine. I am looking for someone to move in here and take over my spot....As for the J-O-B, its good stuff. Its full of hot, well dressed people. FULL of them. It makes for fun eye candy and outfit jealousy, but I can hold my own.

As for dating, I recently had to break up with someone I didn't even know I was dating! Has that ever happened to anyone else? I mean really, wtf is that. I think we all know I'll prob do something stupid like drunk dial, but lets hope I don't. To top it off, this isn't even the first time I broke it off with him!

So the other night I got to go out with my crew from my last job, in particular the fredneck and the blasian. (I know your both reading this and you know its funny) Anyways, I came home with a f*cked up toe and random bruises all over my shoulders and back. My shoes also look like they were part used to beat someone down, and I have no idea why or how any of this happened, but I do know it was a f*cking great time full of jello shot yumminess....

Rachel's Bio...



Hi, thanks for checking us out!! Here is some info about me so you have an idea who is making you laugh SO much...I recently turned 26 and I am making some serious 26 yr old decisions. I quit smoking, I am moving into my own place and I got a new big girl job. I currently live in DC in the Real World Glover Park house, meaning, I live with 3 random Craigs List roomies. I call them Morgan Spurlock (because he is a spitting image) Frenchie (because she is from France) and Ace (because he is a poker champ.) I am moving to the Red Line in September and cant wait... I used to live with Becca but like the bawler she is, she bought a condo.

Here are some other random things about me: I love my convertible and never put the top up, but I may be selling it soon... I am deathly afraid of deer.... I make a mean breakfast that most of my friends can vouch for.... I'm jewish and single, which means I have the best first date horror stores ever., it also meansmy mom reminds me daily that I need to give her grandchildren..olives may be my favoite food...I people watch non stop and do actually have a staring problem.... I use the name "Beth" interchangeably with the word vomit.... I often speak in question format, (can you never?)....My favorite alcoholic bevs are Jello Shots and Jaeger/ Red Bull I am full aware that that sounds like a trashy girl and its the ingredients of a night of naughty actions, I do not care and I am a big fan.... I start a new job July 10....I'm really easy to talk to and have been told I make people comfortable immediately.... I have really embarassing stories about both times I have ever used my middle finger in traffic (to follow in a future posting)....I recently found my love for Edamame and then I learned how to say it, and I only hate 2 people in the world and its well deserved....and one of them smells like maple syrup. Oh let me add Brian S...and he knows why..f*cker. To be honest, I dont like most guys named Brian...Ok more to come!